'Thought this lady standing beside me had huge boobs, until I saw the baby's head sticking out the top of her shirt.
How can these other passengers not buy from the train snack cart? That's serious will power. I feel obligated. Cookies, you say... . .
Have a long train ride tomorrow. If there is a God, please don't let me have to poop.
Overheard a dude on the train tell his buddy, I could eat corn everyday. I wanted to lose it. So many questions... starting with why corn!?
Shoe store lady asks for my telephone number when I'm paying for my shoes. I say, You're not gonna call me are ya? She says, Uh (slight giggle) noo. I immediately say curse word in my head. I...
I heard about some guy getting busted for sex with a chicken. At first, I was like eew gross! Then I saw a pic of the chicken.
I was straight A's until I figured shit out.
Switching from coffee to green tea. Started today. I don't happy, but, I give it a chance. I also bought a 4 pack of nestlé drumsticks so results may be skewed.
I rarely remembered dreams until I recently got on thyroid meds. Now, every morning I can remember what I was dreaming about. Probably shit sleep beforehand wasn't deep enough.
Damn. Got a lot o similarities with ya. Hope you're feeling better.
If I want to share something, I'll be animated... Otherwise, r2d2.
I put my foot in my mouth all the time. Today's example.. I bumped into a coworker I hadn't seen in years because his back is totalled. He was actually using a walker... So of course, I said hey...
The numbnuts that have their fingers on the door close button in the elevator when you get in... so you can't press your floor until they get it out of there. I could easily rhyme off 20 curse words,...
The humorous words.
We're going out for______, you gotta come! You in?
Germaphobe If you've talked a minute straight to me, you've probably lost me.
My only thought on names.. Is feeling sorry for guys stuck with the jr. tag. Naaah, why fool around thinking up some whole other name. The world needs another me.
Unique talent... Funniest guy in the room. Padded cell perk.
Larry David... Don't make me say why.
Someone invent the world's easiest eyebrow trimmer for guys. Now. I have credit card in hand. I think I have trichotillomania.
Anthony Jeselnik - Thoughts and Prayers Lady Dynamite Maria Bamford - Old Baby & Special Special Special
Hey Sony, instead of warning me about my earbud volume... remind me that just because I can't hear my farts...
1 (3 Standup Comedians.
Water Buffalo
You woke up your grandma... Boo.
Looking out the window watching someone trying over and over to park their expensive luxury automobile... and still butchering it... Reminded me why I use to buy cheap condoms.
People that go to a Starbucks to do homework and not buy anything. Why for this drive me nut?
Not sure if it was already posted http://youtu.be/5HI_xFQWiYU
Dude at the chocolate outlet store... He gets out the calculator app on his phone to find out the price per chocolate ball in this big bag they were in. Talk about ruining the experience.
Guy in pj's gets on the elevator. I figure I gotta be better than this guy. Then he proceeds to show off his bilingualism talking to the other person in the elevator. Didn't see that one coming.
Socially reluctant. Authentic.
Did you just imply not washing the nose hair trimmer? Omg, you took it too far, man.
I read somewhere that a nose hair trimmer works good for the butt hole.
Coffee is so seductive... I always close my eyes when I take a sip. Especially if I have the cup backwards.
It says Rebel, but, I'm not sure I agree with it.
An Artist's brain is the shit... But, not shit like my drawrings. The good kind.
I was on amazon and ordered a chainsaw on a stick for tree branch cuttin... Then, I downloaded the manual. Yikes. What was I thinking? (that I could hold this sucker and climb a ladder) (had...
I was spooked by a butterfly while walking with ear buds in. Not sure if I would have heard the butterfly coming, but, it's all I got.
You waste flashes of brilliance on deftly eating the chocolatey outside first on a caramel cored candy bar.
Peacemaker Probably depends on who's fighting though.. I may just let it go.
Dreamt I smashed a fat bug that apparently was preggers and a shitload of bugs came running out. The night before I woke up just before my plane hit a bridge. wtf? Tomorrow family Easter get...
Costco sized bags of Carnival flavoured PopCorners. I stop when I feel the carpal tunnel settling in.
Me: Hey Coworker Larry (not his real name), goin to the gym again after work? Larry: you know it! Me: cardio night? Larry: nope... arms. Me: cool.. I'm doing legs... walking across the...
I stopped reading when I got to can NOT because I felt stupid not knowing the cannot/can not rule. (making it all about me, again)
You see a guy in a pink turban and think is that for breast cancer awareness?
Never run out of Whoppers. Ever.
How did people not dry up like raisins before the whole bring your water bottle everywhere you go thing caught on? I'm gonna start bringing a teapot everywhere. Two can play this game.
One Minute Mysteries for Dummies
Mummy Larry David
Might be off topic, but, my mind thinks there's either a pattern to everything or it hasn't been discovered yet. I dig like a honey badger.'
